JOHN WICK: OR, MY POOR LIFE CHOICES II: THE STUNNING FOLLOWUP MEMOIR BY THEON GREYJOY

I’ll come right out and say it.

I love Keanu Reeves. I can’t explain why I do. There’s just something about him. Plus he’s a pretty decent actor who’s made some pretty decent movies. I’ll even forgive him for his part in Something’s Gotta Give. They can’t all be winners. That movie was just terrible. 

Also, he knows Kung Fu.

Not many people appreciate the greatness that is Keanu. Kind of like Nicolas Cage. They’re definitely love-him or hate-him kind of guys. The man has garnered almost as many crazy memes as Nic Cage.

So here I was scrolling through the IMDb, as I have been known to do from time to time, and I see that my good friend* Keanu’s got a new movie coming out. It’s called John Wick. And in this new movie with Keanu, there appears a character who makes A REALLY BAD DECISION. This REALLY BAD DECISION basically entails poking the bear by killing his dog.**

*Spoiler alert: We’re not really friends. I wish we were. That’d be cool.
**Not a spoiler, it’s in the trailer.

And who should we discover is making this REALLY BAD DECISION? None other than our favorite troublemaker, the loveable scamp Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen). Pre-Reek, that is.

Theon Greyjoy Memoir

If you’re unfamiliar with this reference:

1. Shame on you.
2. It’s from Game of Thrones.
3. Game of Thrones is a TV show on HBO.
4. It also comes in its original book form as the series, A Song of Ice & Fire by George R.R. Martin. Which you should read. Because reading = smartness of the brain. And because the TV show is about to eclipse the books and if you’re not into spoilers you better get on it.

WikiFullASoIaFSizeEdit

Anywho, midway through the trailer, this Really Bad Dude (RBD) is all, “Hey dipstick. You just poked the bear” and Theon is all, “I ain’t scared of no Wick” and the RBD is all “Oh shnap” and everyone’s all “Why? It’s just one dude” and the RBD is like “Dude killed three other dudes WITH A PENCIL” and the other RBDs are all “We’re gonna need all the RBDs” and Wick/Keanu is like “You killed the only thing I had left in this world (in puppy form) that I loved and I’m all sad and have to go on a rampage now ok bye”.

This is a picture of “Sad Keanu”. Sad Keanu isn’t really sad. He’s just a dude contemplating his sandwich.

Finger lickin' good.

Finger lickin’ good.

We all know how this is going to end. Keanu’s going to open up a can of MAJOR whoop-ass because he was the biggest mother-flippin RBD (pre-retirement/pre-dog) and come after Theon because he poked the bear.

It’s gonna be awesome.

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