I’m going to come right out and say it. I hate voicemail.  I don’t know what’s worse: knowing that somewhere inside my phone is a message and that I’ll have to take three whole minutes from my day to listen/delete/respond, or leaving a message myself. I hate leaving voicemail because by the time I’ve gotten to the end my message reads like an elderly drunk as I wax nostalgic about Turtlewax and how music was better in my day and forgotten why I’ve called you in the first place. 

I hate checking it. I’d rather answer the phone and talk to people I don’t like than check it. And I never check it until I’ve gotten the inbox full message glaring at me for at least a month. Unless it’s reallysuperimportant for the love of unicorns just send me a text. Or a carrier pigeon. Anything but a voicemail.

However, I’ve always wanted a celebrity to do my voicemail greeting. How great would that be if you called and got sent straight to voicemail and heard, oh… say, Liam Neeson. Seriously. That happened. So I’ve narrowed it down to the following five famous voices who I’ll happily let state how I’m not available and explain the message-leaving process. 


Patrick Warburton
Who doesn’t want to be greeted by the voice of a squared-jawed beefcake? Seriously. Can’t make this stuff up. Well, I could. But I didn’t.

Eddie Izzard as Sean Connery as James Bond.
Don’t know the reference? Get thee to Youtube, stat!

Clint Eastwood
That sexy gravelly voice asking you if you want to leave a message. Well? Do ya, punk?

Emma Clarke (Voice of the London Underground)
This is a Picadilly Line Service to Cockfosters. Gets me every time.

And of course, Christopher Walken.
Insert anything. He ever said. Ever.

Who’s on your fantasy voicemail list?

Stay Random!


5 thoughts on “FANTASY VOICEMAIL

  1. I’m also notorious for not checking my voicemail. I just call the person back and inevitably end up hearing the exasperated question, “Did you even listen to my message?” Then I feel all sorts of sheepish. Especially since I, for some reason, assume that people listen to my long ramblings messages that I leave. For really important messages I fully enjoy utilizing the ‘delete and rerecord’ option…over and over. If my kids’ teachers or doctors were able to view my many attempts to leave a coherent message, I’m sure they would think I was a nut. Good times. Special times. Oh, right, the important part of my comment. People once had the pleasure of being greeted by Brak from Space Ghost on my voicemail…or rather just heard him singing about drinking too much coffee…that went over well. Actually, people didn’t even bother to leave a message, they just hung up. Ha! Maybe Break is the answer you are looking. Anyway, sleep is the answer for me at the moment, so I will close. I do not expect you to make it through the entirety of this comment. In fact, I think I may have run out of spac——–BEEEP——-

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